How I Learned That There is No Matchmaking in Ranked

Upon purchasing the game and downloading it I gleefully queued up for a quick skirmish with the AI. "Easy" should just about match my skillsets. After a short game I won by a landslide. Well, that offered little fun. No camaraderie, no congratulations, no blessed "gg". A single player game was clearly not my speed. And luckily, not what I purchased!

"Surely," I thought, "Multiplayer would offer me a starting point. Similar to my other favorite games, where a beginner such as I could practice against other beginners. A 'bronze' rank perhaps. Maybe an iron or plastic rank. A level zero, so to speak."

I was also very excited to discuss the game with other beginners. "Oho, what a splendid day for a battle. Did you just pick it up from the steam marketplace?" I shall say. "Heavens no!" He shall reply "I've received such a gift from mine own mother and father on this, the date of my birth." And such a laugh shall have we.

Ah! I was matched with an ally! Is this to be my trusted companion? A friend through the danger and strife? Perhaps our friendship shall carry on for years to come? "Hallo!" I cheerfully greet him.

"peasant dungeon spear rush defense comp" he replies quite bluntly. I was taken aback.

Very well, I thought, perhaps he's a bit of a studied beginner. Watches a lot of the YouTube or endeavors for high achievements one day. He is unusually prepared for a beginner. Offering an advantage for us no doubt!

"Of course, my good fellow!" I say with confidence as I frantically Google the mish-mash of words he's shoved into my once virgin chat. "Right away!"

Well, it turns out what he wanted was to end the game as quickly as possible. I thought that wasn't going to work. Why would a game be designed with that possibility? I was here for great battles, huge kingdoms, and well earned victories! I politely replied that I am unfamiliar with those terms and would like to play the way I know how. No reply.

The game began normally, I slayed sheep, sent my scout to die, picked berries, and lost a fight with a water buffalo. Suddenly, in a flurry of beeps and buzzes, every other player hit feudal age. Strange, I thought, I have built 2 houses, some fields, and a lumber mill, yet they have already accrued riches beyond what my Neanderthal brain could comprehend? Something was wrong.

Then my dearest ally sent a scout to my base. I only realized it was him because I couldn't get my villagers to attack it.

"dont play ranked" he said immediately. Strange greeting. Was this the classic wit I've seen in so many other online games? Surely, this was just another rather negative fellow. "we're going to lose" he said. A pessimistic one at that. I urged him to explain.

"matched wit first time player" he wrote to me, seemingly speaking to himself through the chat.

I then realized what is indeed the case.

"Surely this game has matchmaking?" I asked. "noe" he responded. "You are all at least at the bottom of the rankings, if not first time players?" I asked. "nop" he creatively responded again. My heart sank. I knew I shouldn't be here, but how could I have known? Now I've ruined everything for this poor illiterate.

Five minutes later, my 40 cavemen villagers lost a fight to 3 horseman from the distant future. My twig walls collapsed from pure shame, and my poor dear ally took his own life.

I have made mistakes I shall never forget.

Experienced players, if you have a good recommendation for starting online in aoe2 I would love to hear it, as it seems I went about it in the most incorrect way.