I'm obsessed with this game, but I suck and hate playing it.

I've watched just about every SoTL video, I watch the tournaments, I watch a lot of T90 (meme games, low elo legend, and serious games). I generally know the match-ups and the counters. I can pull off a fast castle consistently, I can knight rush, I can 3 TC boom, I always remember my eco upgrades, I always remember my blacksmith upgrades, all of the common hotkeys are in muscle memory, I can even push in my deer if I really want to. My scouting isn't that great but I practice without auto scouting. My friends think i'm really good at this game omg.

I know a lot about this game, and I love watching people play this game, I want to play this game all the time, but when I do play I hate playing this game. I don't understand why I love this game so much but as soon as I start playing I feel dread, stress, and angry. I get outplayed by 800-900 elo players who scout rush me. I get outplayed by the Hardest difficulty if I don't have some specific op strat in mind. Forget just playing good, I need to wall up and goth spam to beat the Hardest AI. After every game I lose (most of them) I exit the game out of frustration. A few seconds later (literally seconds. not even minutes) I start the game again and I'm back in the ranked queue.

I have such negative emotions playing this game. Objectively it would seem I don't enjoy playing this game. What I don't understand is- why do I want to play this game so much when I hate playing it?

Maybe not with aoe2 on the aoe2 subreddit, but has anyone else had this with aoe2 or any other game?