How to play team games like a pro

Now, the first thing to keep in mind while playing is that you are the best player on the team. You don't need to read build orders, watch pro player games, and you definitely don't need to listen to your teammates. No, you're the next Viper and team games are just the way for you to show the maximum amount of people your greatness. With that out of the way, let's begin.

First, never ever talk to your teammates. You're the best player in the game, and anyone worth their 50 food will follow your lead. Pick your favorite color and your favorite civ, map, player position and teammates' civ choice be damned. If someone else has picked your favorite civ, that's fine, they clearly just want to learn from you. But whatever you do, do not, I repeat, DO NOT, talk to your teammates, not even if you don't speak the language of the rest of your team to let them know this. That would make you seem fallible, lowering their morale and making them resign when they get 2v1ed. We can't have that, you need to be able to boom in peace! Speaking of which, let's talk strategy.

Since you're the greatest pro player in Aoe2, no, gaming history, whatever strategy you pick is sure to work. 3 TC boom on Arabia? Let the enemy tremble before your 60 Frankish Paladins! Sneaky Sicilian transport and Donjon drop on Team Islands? Water maps are dumb anyway! Unprotected Persian castle drop on Arena? They'll never see it coming! Just make sure you don't pressure the enemy before the Imperial Age, or help your teammates if they're attacking or being attacked. If you did that, you would be admitting that they were right and you were wrong, and at that point you might as well Alt+F4 and go do the dishes like your mom keeps asking you to. No. You are the #1 Aoe2 player,

Of course, while you are infallible, your teammates are not. As soon as you hit Feudal Age, tell your allies to build markets in the corner of the map. Not only will this let you start trade as soon as possible, giving you plenty of gold for your ultimate army, it will let your allies see you so they can follow your lead. They might get distracted by attacking the enemy or fending off the other team, so remind them regularly to build markets in the corner. Plus, then they can see your base, and the glorious sight of your 5 Town Centers with perfectly placed farms will boost their morale. Sadly, some times your allies will just have too small a brain to comprehend your glorious vision, and if the Viper can't take on 7 Extreme AIs, you definitely can't be expected to take on the entire enemy team without your allies as distractions. So let's finish with finishing the game.

The only time you should ever, and I mean ever, communicate with your team, is when they're about to resign. Tell them not to do this, repeatedly, as their small brains can forget. You're the best player in the game, and if you can just get your 60 paladins or arbalests or war elephants, your win is guaranteed. But your stupid allies can't comprehend big words and typing all that is too much effort, so use simple words like "hold" or "104". Remind them of their place as "noobs" or "losers" to stiffen their backbone. As a last resort, you can send your scout cavalry to run around their base. You've already auto-scouted the whole map anyway haven't you? But if all if this fails and your teammates resign, don't give your enemy the satisfaction of victory. Pretend to have internet problems and disconnect your router, or claim your mother is going into labor and resign. If those aren't options, scatter your villagers across the map, walling them into different locations. If all goes well, the enemy will get bored and leave, giving you the win! And don't even think of talking to your enemies to wish them a good game. That would imply their win was fair and their skills greater than yours!

And that's how you play team games! Good luck and happy queuing!