In Wake of Disaster the CIA Plans to Research Spies

Washington DC. — In wake of the unraveling of its intelligence network in China, the CIA is planning to research spies, according to several people briefed on the matter.

Starting in 2010, in what the officials call the most disastrous setback in the Agency's history, the outposts that the CIA built in secret locations in China were systematically rammed, and its scouts decimated. "Now we're completely in the dark about the Chinese strategy", says an CIA official with knowledge of the matter, who spoke on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to discuss it publicly. "Which is not helped," the official added, "by the fact that the Chinese are adept at many strategies, as everything is cheaper for them."

"At this point we should just research spies and be done with it," says another Agency official with knowledge of the matter, who was a retired scout with 2 hp left. "When you think about it, just 30,000 gold to buy off 1.3 billion villagers. That's 0.000023 gold per villager. Really a bit OP to be honest. I don't know why we didn't think of it until now."

Analysts are not optimistic about the plan winning the support of the Congress, however. "For one thing, we are low on gold, having been buying stone to wall off the southern border," says Will Barrow, the Arrow Slits Professor of Strategic Defense at the University of Maryland, College Park. "Also there is the worry that the Chinese might retaliate by researching spies themselves—if they have not already—which would allow them to see what the Congress is doing. I mean, more than what you see on C-Span. And they will not like that."

Neither the CIA nor the House Intelligence Committee have responded to requests for comments.

Hawaiian Villagers Falsely Alerted to North Korean Onager Shot

Honolulu, HW. — A Honolulu town center accidentally rang its town bell on Saturday, after a villager falsely believed that he sighted an onager shot incoming from North Korea.

The bell went off shortly after 8 am, causing general chaos as villagers scrambled looking for nearby town center or tower to garrison in. The villagers remained idle for 38 minutes, until the government determined that there was no onager shot and rang the ungarrisoning bell. The Governor of Hawaii apologized on Saturday afternoon for being a noob.

The incident happened amid growing concerns over North Korea's long-range seige capability. Despite the US's effort to deny it gold income, North Korea is believed to have developed its first functioning onager in the past few years and is well on the way to upgrade to intercontinental siege onager, thanks, according to one theory, to secret trade with the Chinese.

"There is nothing we can do to stop it now," says Will Barrow, the Arrow Slits Professor of Strategic Defense at the University of Maryland, College Park. "We can't risk an attack on their siege workshop or anything because, unless we wipe out everything in an instant, which is impossible, they have enough militia to raze South Korea."

The false alert also exposed loopholes in the emergency response protocol, says villager death analyst Dr Wolf. "A town center can only house 15 villagers. What we see is dozens and even hundreds of villagers huddling under an already full TC, which actually dramatically increases their chance of dying if there's really an onager shooting."